1. The misuse of the word “ironic”- I’m not so sure why it makes me so frustrated, but it does. Britannica.com defines irony as an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected. It seems like people rarely use this word properly, substituting it for things that are merely coincidental or just a bummer. If you are talking about someone and they happen to show up unexpectedly, that’s not ironic. It’s a coincidence. The fact that gas went up right after you bought your brand new SUV, that just sucks to be you, it in no way applies to the definition of irony. Please for the sake of my sanity, use a little more discretion when declaring things as ironic.
2. Hand tans- I work outside. Because of the tattoos on my arms and a no visible tattoo policy at my job, I have to wear long sleeves while working. This has resulted in tan lines along my wrists. It’s kind of like a farmers tan but it’s more like a “although almost a third of my generation has them, my tattoos are for some reason still considered taboo” tan.
3. The Simpsons- Now before you get all up in arms about this, hear me out. This was one of the funniest shows in the history of television. It had brilliant story lines, laugh out loud dialogue, and characters that are now a staple in American pop culture. From there, though, it has digressed into one of the least funny half hours in television. Even sandwiched between two other shows on Fox that I think are terribly un-funny, “American Dad” and “Family Guy”, The Simpsons still manages to consistently not shine at all. It’s not that the new episodes are only bad compared to the old ones either. The new episodes are just, enough said, bad. Okay, that’s not enough for me to hate it though. It really used to be so good that it can manage to deliver clunker after clunker of an episode and it’s still not enough to hate it. That is, until one thinks about the fact that The Simpsons has delivered twenty seasons worth of shows, of which only eight are funny. There were a few keepers by the ninth season, as well a few sporadically throughout the proceeding eleven. But this means that the Simpsons has been consistently awful for well longer than it was brilliant. The Simpsons has managed to tarnish what was its incredible name beyond repair, and thus I can no longer stand this show.
4. Bills- I’m tired of paying them, especially Nashville Gas. I wish their bill would just be like the others and be due mid-month instead of at the beginning the month. Nashville Gas, you ruin what could be a good system.
5. Cell Phones- Now I will be the first to voice my appreciation for the convenience that this technology offers. It is a wonderful advance to be able to have directions, contact information, as well as countless other capabilities, readily available in one’s pocket or purse. That said, it’s getting out of control. So I have decided to take upon myself setting up a few “rules of cell phone etiquette”.
a. If you are readily engaged in conversation with someone in person, do not pick up your cell phone, unless it is to say “Hey can I call you back in a bit”, or some other variation of this. Also, don’t be one of those people that check out at the market or order coffee while still trying to carry on a cell phone conversation. Speaking from first hand, it is so incredibly rude and you will piss off whoever is helping you. Either end, or take a brief break from your phone conversation before engaging other people.
b. If you are driving, do not pick up your cell phone, unless it is to say “Hey I’m driving can I call you back in a bit”. I don’t care how good of a driver you are, you are a worse driver with your phone in your hand. This is doubly increased if you are in reverse, or are in the vicinity of any other car or pedestrian. If you really need to talk while driving, get a hands free set.
c. Unless you are doing something involving both of your hands such as driving or, I don’t even know what else, maybe filleting a fish, take that rediculous blue tooth out of your ear. It looks stupid and I for one am tired of replying to somebody’s question only to realize they weren’t addressing me but rather the voice inside their ear. It doesn’t make you look cool; it makes you look like an asshole.
d. Take your cell phone conversations outside or to some other secluded location. A book store, a restaurant or a café is not a place to have a phone conversation. In summation of this rule, if you want to have a private conversation, take it someplace private.
Things I Love
1. Doppelgängers- In addition to being a genuinely fun word to say, pronounced: dop-uh l-gang-er and use, meaning a ghostly double or counterpart of a living person, it’s also fun to see friends’ and acquaintances’ doppelgängers.
2. Wind Powered Oil Tankers- Now I’m not sure if it’s realistically plausible. I’m not sure if, as large as they are, tankers could supply the deep base need for energy producing wind turbines. If it is a plausible idea though, I think it’s an amazing one. I’d love to see a gigantic oil tanker, powered by a clean, re-usable, energy source. Now, this is a prime example of irony.
3. Robots- If you are a “cool kid” (it’s worth noting that I by no mean consider myself one), you are very likely enthralled by either pirates or ninjas. It seems as of late the alligence to pirates has been surpassing that of ninjas, but ninjas still have a pretty serious constingency. I have decieded instead to align my self with robots. The reason being that robots can do anything a ninja or pirate can do, but they can do it more efficiently and effectivly. Robots can, as a result of lightning quick calculations, reduce a pirates abilities to plunder, pillage and bury treasure, into one simple, at least to a robot, step and complete it before the pirate could say his first “ahoy”. Likewise a ninjas skills in the area of stealth assasination would be put to an awful shame by a robot’s laser beams, shooting out of his eyes and killing, silently and accurately from a distance. I’ve laid my case out. A single robot could take on every pirate and ninja from history, all at once.
4. High Five- How did this fad ever fall out of favor. It’s awesome when some rip van winkle from the nineties says “high five”, with their palm open and extended above their shoulder. I say let’s bring the high five back. (note: it’s only cool if you say high five first.)
5. The ice cream man in Nashville- As summer in Tennessee become less a dreaded anticipation and more a sweltering reality, I’m seeing and hearing him more and more. I hear him, on a regular basis around mid-day rolling through the busier streets near downtown, playing, through ice cream truck chimes, the assumed songs. The more frequent ones seem to be songs such “pop goes the weasel”, and “hail to the bus driver” (I’m not sure what the real name to this song is. I just know those are the lyrics The Simpsons gave it). But if you wait until late in the day, and wald through the back roads in old neighborhoods, he tosses nursery rhymes by the way and plays Beethoven, specifically “Für Elise”. My hats off to you nameless ice cream truck driver who plays Beethoven through the back roads of Nashville.
